Giving Birth to My “Big Baby”
My Positive Plus Size Hospital Birth Story
** Mention of obstetric violence
I was in a completely different place both physically and emotionally during my second pregnancy. My first child was born just before I turned seventeen and given the eight year age gap, I had grown up a lot myself and knew there were many things my husband and I could do to help facilitate a more positive experience. We spent months learning about our options for labor and we started to feel really confident and prepared.
Ultimately, what I really desired was a home birth (with few to no interventions), however, my husband was not comfortable with the idea. He was more anxious about the birth than me, as this was his first baby. After going back and forth and after he understood WHY I wanted an experience different than my first birth, we compromised. I agreed to a hospital birth only if we could hire a doula to support us. I knew the benefits of hiring a doula and felt we needed the extra support.
Our doula, Jade, was amazing! She was actually an old school friend (and now one of my closest friends!) which made her incredibly easy to talk to and trust. I appreciated her honesty, valued her experience and knowledge. I also knew she would support us no matter what our decisions were. My husband and I had the opportunity to discuss our fears, Jade helped him prepare as a birth partner, I told her about my first birth experience (which I considered negative) and she was the first person I reached out to when my doctor completely violated my trust late in pregnancy.
Without going into too many specifics, my OB did a membrane sweep without my consent at 39 weeks pregnancy. It was not effective at starting labor, which is no surprise. The traumatizing experience definitely spiked my stress hormones enough to discourage it from starting! Labor did begin spontaneously six days past my daughter's estimated birth date after some time of grief and reflection.
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My contractions began at 6 pm and I tried to remain comfortable when the surges started to become more intense. Our doula arrived shortly after 9 pm, she asked me a few questions and then gently suggested I get out of bed. This was wonderful and eased some of the intensity I was feeling in my lower back. I was definitely experiencing back labor, which happens to 1 in 4 birthing people. I spent the next three hours at home going from the kitchen to the bathroom and into the shower- pacing all over! I learned a range of different positions for labor during pregnancy but honestly, the best feeling was standing! My body was my guide as leaned over the kitchen counter while my husband and Jade took turns applying counter pressure to my lower back. My doula reminded me to eat and drink to keep my energy levels up! I created privacy when I needed it by taking a shower and visualizing my baby moving downward into my pelvis, just as the water from the shower flowed down my body. I also sat on the toilet aka the "dilation station" for awhile because that eased the intensity of my surges and opened up my pelvis in a different way.
Jade gave me prompts during and between contractions, which I appreciated. At one point she said, "breathe your baby down," which I repeated to myself throughout the rest of my labor! Near midnight my husband suggested we leave for the hospital a few times. There was a snow storm brewing and we knew it would take longer than usual to get there. I put my husband off for awhile saying "just a few more, just a few more" contractions because while they were intense, I didn't find them painful! I remember feeling annoyed by his suggestions to leave because I did not feel ready. I received pitocin during my first labor and these contractions felt much more manageable in comparison. I had no idea how dilated I was but there was one thing I did know- I DID NOT want to go to the hospital too soon! One of the ways I intended to avoid unnecessary interventions was to remain comfortable at home as long as possible, which I did.
We left for the hospital and it took almost an hour to get there- double what it usually did! There was so much snow on the roads and we were stuck behind multiple snow plows! It was the most uncomfortable car ride of my life and later Jade told me she thought I was definitely in transition on the way! She actually feared I would give birth in her car!
When we got to hospital I was assessed and delighted to be 9 cm with "bulging waters" as the staff told me. I couldn't believe it because again, the contractions were no where near as painful as those brought on by pitocin last time! The nurses said I could not go into the hospital’s labor pool because I was too close to having my baby. I was both disappointed and annoyed but I was still able to take a shower, walk the halls and be upright, which was important to me. I consented to intermittent fetal monitoring versus continuous but found even sitting on the bed to do this very uncomfortable. There were no birth balls (aka exercise balls) available for use. I also found the staff wanted to keep checking on me, which I understand, but I really felt a sense of pressure from them. My husband tried to act as my gatekeeper, coming into the shower saying "they want to check you again," and I would emerge when I was ready. I was trying to remain “in the zone” as much as I could but found it difficult. I did my best to relax, although I think the transfer from home to hospital significantly increased my anxiety. It also didn't help that my non-consensual membrane sweep happened in that hospital and I was now paranoid that my boundary-crossing doctor would be the one on-call for the evening. I never wanted to see him again!
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The worst part of my labor? When dilation stalled. I spent FOUR HOURS at 9 cm dilated with contractions coming fast and heavy. During the entire four hours I was never permitted into the pool. I did get through them one at a time and tried not to focus on how much longer it would be until I met our baby. My husband or doula would rub my lower back, cheer me on, tell me how well I was doing and most importantly... they kept me motivated when I started to get discouraged. There were times when I felt like my baby was not working with me. I was able to voice this without shame or guilt to both of them. Jade reminded me of how strong I was and that I would meet my baby soon.
Deep down, I knew I needed something to get labor moving. I consented to the artificial rupture of my membranes, aka breaking my waters, with an amnihook. It was completely painless, however, there was meconium. My baby had pooed while still in my womb, which may be a sign of fetal distress. I was told by the doctor and nurses that the pediatric team would need to come into the room and that my baby would need to be assessed to ensure she didn't aspirate any meconium. Within minutes of my waters being broken (the doctor hadn’t even left the room!) I had the incredibly overwhelming sensation that I needed to push! I became very vocal and although I wanted to birth on all fours, kneeling or on my side, I was encouraged to get on my back.
During my labor both the on-call doctor and nurses said "oh wow! You're definitely having a big baby!" while they looked at my bump. Un.help.ful. The medical staff encouraged me to do coached pushing but I did my own thing. This baby was coming and FAST! She wanted to be born NOW and there was no way I could hold back. For a larger baby weighing in at 9 lb 12 oz, she was out in three pushes. I remember right before that final push I felt so damn tired. My husband whispered words of encouragement into my ear that gave me the last bit of strength I needed to meet our daughter. I was delighted when she was placed onto my chest briefly before being taken away for assessment.
I'm not going to lie... she is the only baby who was taken from my arms shortly after birth and I hated every second of it. I understood the need for her to be assessed and they did remove some meconium from her little tummy. Thankfully she did not aspirate any of it and she required no further monitoring. I would have rather had this process carried out while my baby. was on my chest or next to me. Thankfully, she was returned to me within minutes so I could kiss, cuddle and smell her sweet baby scent. My doula congratulated our family and took some amazing pictures. She helped me establish breastfeeding for the first time and made sure all of us were comfortable before leaving.
I remember feeling so proud and strong after I had a chance to settle in with our daughter. There were times when I doubted my ability and I was the queen of trying to compare my first labor to this one. The fear of the unknown was my biggest hurdle and I cleared it! My first baby was 6 lbs and this girl was almost 10! The nurses kept telling me I had a baby and a half which made me laugh! The birth was much more positive than my first and I did it without pain relief just as I had hoped. Breastfeeding was going well and I melted at the sight of my husband holding our daughter. Although she was born at almost 10 lbs that didn’t stop everyone from commenting on how tiny she was!
While this birth experience was much, much more positive than my first, it was also my last birth in hospital. What I learned is that personally, laboring in a hospital simply isn't for me, if I can help it. The medicalized model of care with bright lights, loud beeps, more people in my birth space, medical equipment everywhere and the consistent pressure to “move things along” that I felt from the medical staff were not helpful for my labor progression. Everyone is going to be impacted by a clinical setting differently, however, I don't think it's a coincidence that my labor was going so smoothly at home and than BAM! I got to hospital and all progression stalled for hours. How did my husband feel about everything? A few weeks postpartum he said “I won’t ever ask you to give birth in hospital again.” I think every expecting parent should have the opportunity to choose where they feel most comfortable giving birth and for us, that's at home. To read my home birth stories, see here and here!
To my beautiful baby girl born in hospital... I love you and happy birthday!
